Latest Updates: humor RSS

  • johnpi 12:17 am on January 26, 2010 | 7 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: humor, , matchmaking, ,

    Meanwhile, in a parallel universe, ‘Auntie’ Nazi:

    Eager to see white folks reproduce, Gaede is touting her services on Stormfront.org, the leading white supremacist Web forum. “I am willing to act as a go between, researcher, matchmaker, older sister and guide for any WNs [white nationalists] who are looking for a WN spouse,” she wrote earlier this month. “Only email me if you are serious about finding a spouse or long term partner.”

    Gaede, who lives in Kalispell, Mont., is currently offering her expertise for free. “I have racial contacts throughout the US as well as the world,” she wrote in a follow-up posting. “I am planning to create a more secure and successful way for WNs to meet by creating a screening process, starting with a questionnaire.”

     

  • johnpi 11:26 am on January 23, 2010 | 0 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , humor, , , , ,

    Torture-monger John Yoo’s new book, ‘Crisis and Command‘ is on Amazon now, and merry prankster General JC Christian and his supporters have managed to make his subversive review of the book the “most helpful” one among the reader reviews, and therefore the first one people read.

    Here’s a taste:

    Cheney knew what had to be done. Saddam had to be tied to Al Qaeda. As a serious man, he understood that if evidence of such a tie was unavailable, it had to be created. Detainees would need to be coerced into making false confessions. It would require torture, an act that was considered unconstitutional at the time. Cheney turned to another serious man, Yoo–a man who would later tell Congress that the President can legally order a suspect to be burned alive or that his children be tortured–to write a justification for ignoring the Fifth and Eighth Amendments.

    Yoo served the Dark Lord well by not only justifying torture but by destroying the Fourth Amendment to allow domestic spying as well.

    I’m giving this book five stars–not because it is well argued or well written (it isn’t) but because, like Yoo, I want to help shape our nation according to Lord Cheney’s righteously Stalinesque vision.

    Be sure to visit Amazon and give JC’s review a ‘very helpful’ vote.

     

  • johnpi 11:14 am on January 7, 2010 | 5 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , humor

    Aasif Mandvi forgets how hard it is to be Christian because it’s so easy to be Muslim.

     

  • johnpi 9:47 am on December 22, 2009 | 0 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: humor

    Jack Bauer interrogates Santa Claus.

     

  • johnpi 1:46 am on December 15, 2009 | 3 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , humor

    The doing business in Egypt SATs.

    I recently stumbled across an online ‘cross-cultural training’ website for globe-trotting business execs about to enter the frothy world of Egyptian business.

    I’ve put together a short True/False quiz based on the informative cross-cultural training I just absorbed. The answers are below the fold, along with a link to the font of wisdom from wence they were gleaned.
    ________________________________

    1: Arabic is a language of exaggeration and Egyptians love to be flowery in their speech. True or false?

    2: It’s a good idea to attempt to learn at least a few words or phrases of Egyptian Arabic, such as thank you, hello, good-bye, and please. True or false?

    3. Unlike whatever place you come from, the exotic concept of honour governs all interpersonal relationships in Egypt. True or false?

    4: Egyptians prefer to do business with those they know and trust. Therefore you should go find somebody else who is Egyptian to act as a go-between with your Egyptian counterparts. True or false?

    5: Islam is a religion of fatalism. The fatalistic approach to life is often significant in the decision-making process of many Egyptians. As a result it takes Egyptians longer to make a decision. True or false?

    (More …)

     

  • johnpi 12:14 pm on December 9, 2009 | 1 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , humor, ,

    Aasif Mandvi: India to invade the US.

     

  • johnpi 8:41 pm on November 30, 2009 | 1 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: humor,

    Below, an email published in all seriousness by a Portland (Maine) pastor named J. Grant Swank who also writes a weekly religion column for the Portland Press Herald. Perhaps one of our Muslim bloggers who are also members of professional religious journalism or religious writers associations will be sitting next to Mr. Swank at the next conference/gathering. I’d love to be a fly on the wall to listen in on that table conversation.

    The headline he put on this, which he received from “a friend,” was “Muslims, welcome to America, now take over.”

    I thought I would let everyone know that I took a deer into Archers Meats in Fishers, Indiana on Friday after Thanksgiving. It is the same place I have taken deer for 20 years.

    They told me they couldn’t take my deer today because it was a Muslim holiday and the Muslims were in the BACK SACRIFICING GOATS TO ALLAH.

    I repeated back to her slowly and in a shocked tone what she had just said to me.

    (More …)

     

  • johnpi 1:15 am on November 30, 2009 | 8 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: humor,

    Humorous, disturbing, provocative: Pakistani blogger declares the top five sexiest Pakistani terrorists.

    5. Ajmal Kasab: “…a veritable Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys from our part of the world.”

    4. Masood Azhar: “He is, simply put, one of the most passionate and hair-raising public speakers I have ever heard.’

    3. Brahamdagh Bugti: “Brahamdagh’s sex appeal is quite conventional – he is a man’s man. Rugged mountain dweller, he has been in hiding for two years, ever since our beloved Army murdered his grandpa.”

    2. Ahmed Omar Saeed Sheikh: “Ahmed Omar Saeed also exudes power, another turn on: apparently he used to phone Musharraf from his jail cell threatening him with attacks if he did not release him.” (true story)

    1. Hakeemullah Mehsud: “Hakeemullah is your typical Pathan – tall, handsome, charmingly rustic. Never has a man looked hotter in that winter cap that he constantly adorns (someone should tell him summer’s just ending).”

    And words of advice for the rest of us:

    For my non-desi readers, if any: all links are in Urdu. If you don’t know the language, learn it. Pakistan is the most important country in the world, according to the Americans, so you might do well to learn the national language, ahem ahem.

     

  • johnpi 12:34 am on November 13, 2009 | 0 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , , humor

    Stephen Colbert interviews Christopher Caldwell about what Thabet has called his ‘Eurabian fantasy.’

    Caldwell calls for French imams to be ‘Frenchifried.’ Colbert hears ‘french fried.’

     

  • aziz 10:27 am on November 5, 2009 | 1 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , humor, sature, socialists, zombies

    I think I just came up with an idea for a comic book series.

     

  • aziz 7:07 am on November 5, 2009 | 1 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: humor,

    Nadeem Paracha just invented a term: “collateral shahadat“

     

  • buzz 2:06 pm on November 4, 2009 | 0 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , humor, , , stop-action opera

     

    Deh putti di creetiores inna mi ear!

    Deh putti di creetiores inna mi ear!

    Need a laugh? Are you geek enough? 

    Kirk and super-Muslim Khan get it on I-talian style from Adult Swim’s Robot Chicken. Tutti Gusti!

     

  • aziz 1:31 pm on November 3, 2009 | 0 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: humor, ,

    Islamic militants killed by predator. Not a drone, an actual predator.

    new meaning to the phrase, “bear witness” ?

     

  • johnpi 11:06 pm on November 1, 2009 | 0 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: humor, the Spanish Inquisition

    ‘Some Muslims want to impose an inquisition.’

    Professor Abdullah Saeed is the Sultan of Oman Professor of Arab and Islamic Studies and director of the Asia Institute at Melbourne University, Australia.

    “The idea that an Islamic state’s first job is to punish or safeguard the personal morality of its people is parallel to what happened in Europe in the 14th to 17th centuries,” he told reporters on 29 Oct, on the sidelines of the Fifth Regional Interfaith Dialogue, held in Perth, Australia from 28 to 30 Oct.

    Saeed explained that both the state and church in Europe at that time would try to force conversions of Jews and Muslims to Christianity and even imposed an Inquisition on those who did not comply.

    “This is so similar to what some Muslims seem to want to impose right now,” he said.

    The Inquisition had terrible ramifications for the ‘dawah’ of the Catholic church and made a joke of its scholars, as can be seen in this Monty Python sketch: “This was the Spanish Inquisition…”

    If we don’t want to see our ulema mocked forever after, and fear a protestant reformation, an inquisition is to be avoided at all costs…

     

  • Shams al-Nahar 9:08 am on October 24, 2009 | 0 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: humor, sully, toilet politics

    In the end….it is all about elimination. Or sex.
    I was reminded in watching this (j’adore Jon Stewart, vraimant…il et ma toujours preux chevalier) of Ali’s words on Urine.
    And also of a friend from Cambridge, England, who once said to me that the English are really french, and Americans are Swedes…..because the brits and the french have overhead flush, and swedes and ‘muricans don’t. ;)

     

  • johnpi 9:43 pm on October 1, 2009 | 0 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , humor,

    ‘Jummah on the Hill’ has changed Patriotboy.

    I need your help.

    The White House wasn’t painted black as a result of last Friday’s Islamic Prayer Event, but something much more terrible happened. Their prayers turned me Muslim. Worse yet, I’m one of those wimpy kind of Muslims, the kind who think compassion is the answer to everything. They’re like those damned beatitudes-preaching Episcopalians except they pray more.

    It’s all about the Five Pillars to them: submit to God, help the poor, pray five times a day, fast for a month, and make a pilgrimage to Mecca at least once. I don’t get to do any of the really cool things like the more Southern-Baptist-like radical Muslims do. No waging war on non-believers. No stoning the Gay or beating immodest women. No hating at all. I might as well be a Unitarian.

     

  • johnpi 9:01 am on September 19, 2009 | 0 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: humor

    This post cracked me up so much I had to share.

    If my car were Windows Vista.

    If my car were Windows Vista, it wouldn’t unlock without asking me if I’m really sure I want to unlock it. The door would only open once I had confirmed that yes, I do want to open the door and no, I don’t want to play with the little purple dinosaur. Once I confirmed I wanted to open the door, it would then make the sound of a door opening but not actually unlock the door until I had confirmed that opening the door is what I really, really want to do.

    It would take 60 seconds to actually unlock. At least.

    I would then have to go through the same routine to start it. Every time I select a gear, it would ask if I’m sure that’s the gear I wanted. If I put it into automatic, it would play calming music and its windscreen would display a lovely blue/green iridescence. It would then ask me what gear I wanted. The tiptronic gears would have a delay of between one and ten seconds, while a display would flash a moving gear symbol at me along with the text, ‘Changing gear’.

    For no apparent reason and without notice, my car would not move beyond second gear for long periods of time, forcing me to crawl along the hard shoulder. Then it would announce it had finished updating itself and fixing its file system and suddenly take off at great speed.

     

  • abunoor 8:39 pm on July 21, 2009 | 0 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , humor,

    Zardari makes it illegal to spread jokes about him by text message, email or blog.

    The article closes with some Zardari jokes (I like the last one)

    “Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved Zardari and are demanding $5,000,000 or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate what you can. I have donated five litres.”

    To commemorate the ascension to the Presidency, Pakistan Post has officially launched a new stamp. But the people of Pakistan are confused which side on the stamp to spit on.

    Robber: “Give me all your money!”
    Zardari: “Don’t you know who I am? I am Asif Ali Zardari.”
    Robber: “OK. Give me all my money”

     

  • plimfix 2:51 am on June 14, 2009 | 0 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , humor, , islamophobic,

    Nick Griffen, recently elected as an MEP for the extreme right-wing racist British National Party, turns out to be even less human than previously imagined. Hat tip to HIGNFY.

     

  • plimfix 10:08 am on June 10, 2009 | 0 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: humor, ,

    Sometimes The Onion is more pointlessly goofball than satire, and there is nothing wrong with that, but on those odd occasions when it does get genuinely Swiftian, its off-the-wall perspective makes me laugh out loud as well as reminding me that facets of the familiar and everyday are in truth utterly vile, as in its “report” that more U.S. soldiers are suffering From “Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder”.

     

  • johnpi 7:49 pm on June 8, 2009 | 0 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: humor, ,

    Grim humor from Lawrence of Cyberia about the devolution of inflamed accusations against Obama in Israel.

     

  • johnpi 7:15 pm on June 8, 2009 | 8 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: humor, , ,

    Short video based on text from Glenn Beck’s book, The Real America: Messages from the Heart and Heartland, rated PG-13. Every word in the video is lifted from Beck’s book.

    Remember, as Glenn writes in text subsequent to that excerpted in the video:

    “Please do not refer to us as an ‘incestuous’ couple. Keep the hate language to yourself. We prefer to think of the gift we have been given as ‘familial love.’”

    Fox News pundits like Glenn Beck represent your conservative values.

     

  • johnpi 12:48 pm on May 29, 2009 | 2 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: groin shaving, humor

    Gillette is marketing genital shaving: ‘When there’s no underbrush, the tree looks taller.’ Cool!

    A good how-to video for converts who’ve never shaved ‘down there’ before. No more converts lost to ’shaving accidents’…

     

  • johnpi 7:33 pm on May 26, 2009 | 1 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: humor,

    Headline of the day:

    Eric Martin: Safeguarding female sexuality, one vagina at a time.

    This is actually a marriage announcement. Martin is an oft-quoted critic of US foreign policy, especially in the Muslim world. He continues:

    The Greater Western World should rejoice at the news that, by virtue of my engagement to be married which was made official* this past Friday, I will be doing my part in, as Sam Schulman so eloquently put it, “protecting and controlling the sexuality of the child-bearing sex.” That is, I will be The Decider in terms of “who may and who may not have sexual access to” my fiancee and and “how her adulthood–and sexual accessibility–is defined.”

    Lucky guy.

     

  • razib, murtad fitri 10:45 pm on May 24, 2009 | 2 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: humor

    it’s funny that brussels journal has the same brown-in-hijab-matrimonial ad as talk islam. i’ve seen it for 6 months there so it isn’t a fluke.

     

  • johnpi 6:34 pm on May 20, 2009 | 0 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , humor,

    Hilzoy is riffing hard on the fantastic fearmongering of Republicans who want to close Guantanamo, especially how they are now claiming the country would be unsafe if ‘dangerous detainees’ were moved to US prisons. Here, Hilzoy expresses his relief that a Mexican drug dealer who was recently arrested there wasn’t nabbed in the US instead:

    (More …)

     

  • johnpi 6:19 pm on May 20, 2009 | 0 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , humor,

    Next stop: Outer space.

    The US Republicans have produced a fearmongering TV commercial opposing the closure of Guantanamo and hyping the threat of ‘dangerous detainees’ held in US prisons on US soil.

    The Committee to Send Criminals into Outer Space has produced an affinity TV ad, and is taking the concept to the next level (and with the same bombastic background music!).

    (From here)

     

  • aziz 8:56 am on May 19, 2009 | 3 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: humor

    more muslim lolcats from Mr Moo – hilarious as always, though the last one is a bit serious. I mean, srs.

    btw, note the post number ID…

     

  • johnpi 7:52 am on May 15, 2009 | 3 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , humor

    Occasional TI contributor (and all around ornery blogger) Umar Lee has a beautiful new baby in his family, alhamdulliah. Congratulations brother.

    The conversation is lacking for your absence. This emenem video descrbes the situation perfectly.

     

  • johnpi 9:36 pm on May 11, 2009 | 1 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , humor, , ,

    Tom Tomorrow: The real-life ticking time bomb scenario.

     

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